Once

It has occurred to me that there are things we only get one crack at. People, dogs, times in our lives come in and then pass away. Some are easy, lovely, flowing, perfect.

This is Tarka. She was my daemon, my familiar, the canine twin to my human soul. I realized then and still know that she was one of the great loves of my life. A friend, a quiet but present companion over 12 years, in times of trauma and intensity, she was there for some of the worst and best stuff of my early adulthood. She was the bright side of my shadow. I doubt that there will be another creature to match her, or the still point of connection we inhabited as a pair.

If you knew her you will likely understand. You would if you happened to be one of her other friends, as there were a few who loved her as I did, and probably many who saw her for the magical creature that she was. Tolerant, funny, kind beyond measure, she was the softness to the hard edges of life. She made me more empathetic, loving, compassionate. She helped me to understand the pure fire of loss and grief. For months after she passed I looked for her daily in the back seat of the car, heard her breath, and found myself thinking I had forgotten her somewhere.

I waited years to get another dog after she died. Perhaps thinking the magic confluence of genetics and circumstance would conspire once again to produce another like her and usher him or her into my life in some similar way. I searched and scanned many horizon lines once ready for another Tarka, but of course there was no such thing. Not yet, and not to be found under my earthly gaze.

I now understand that she will simply remain, her dark spirit in step with mine, howling across the frozen lake in time with the huskies and wild wolves of our co-existence. I have become her, or at least all the gifts she brought to me have become mine, and this has made me better than I would have been without her.

I have a wondering, a lingering idea, a faith that grief is just a pathway, an unfolding of the heart into infinite possibility. If we allow it, feel it and meet it with kindness.