Weather

This afternoon as I drove home rain fell from a blue sky. I wondered how it is that it can be so utterly sunny and clear, and yet here I am witnessing the droplets come down from behind these rapid-fire wipers. I fight the sense that I can be experiencing these two realities at the same time, as if the weather has a responsibility to make some sense just for me. It's what i seem to expect, to wait for the skies to unify above me so that I can be less conflicted. But I am caught in the sun showers between two weather systems.
I am stepping into nothingness if I try to avoid it, and perhaps even more so if I face it head on. Maybe that is just as it should be, my own idealism and willful blindness slapping me in the face after all. My inability to choose, my stubbornness towards the things that do not line up in my myopic view. It's not like you will catch me when I fall, because I have somehow made my own fate out of this morass. My own emptiness sprawls before me, creating a void, an intense place of not knowing what next or where to go. I have not unwoven myself enough to follow this new path being offered up. Not yet. And time runs out.
Cracks have begun to form and the truth leaks out, confused and still shackled. I am compelled by pain, some of it mine, perhaps more awake than I have been for months. Not just going along for the ride on this ocean swell. The wave is breaking, I sense I am being washed through the fog into shore. I fight it still, resisting the inevitable pull of the next leg of this journey. Whatever it may be.

(June 13, 2016)