The Art of "Wait"

A couple of months ago someone posted a quote that went something like this: "Life is what happens while we are waiting for something to happen." At the time, life had just offered up a great challenge to me to wait for something wonderful. At the time,  I said ‘yes, I’ll wait’ wholeheartedly. It is possible however that on some level I was gripped by a belief that all obstacles would magically dissolve and the much-touted waiting would not have to happen.

But the reality was and is that I could not fully have the wonderfulness, for various reasons that are complicated, human and frustratingly, startlingly out of my control or influence. 

In this process I have come to realize that I have rarely (possibly never) truly 'waited'. And when I say wait, I mean wait without dwelling, without obsessing, without tapping my fingers impatiently on the forehead of the cosmos. I am a 'have it now' kind of girl…always have been. Ask my mum about the time that I wanted a dog (it may or may not have involved a hunger strike). Some form of departure, escape; the act leaving has often been my primary tool for dealing with the ‘wait’ challenge in the past. I have been known to go to great lengths to get what I want; take very long spontaneous road trips, quit jobs, break up relationships, do thoughtless things with no regard for other people's feelings (I am ashamed to say but it's true). I tend to reject the barriers that arise, in whatever form they manifest, and I get behind the wheel and drive, hard, towards what I want. 

Many people, including myself, might perceive this idea of 'waiting' as weak, passive, disempowering. But that's just the 'make it happen' monkey mind getting into gear. It's drumming up stories so that it can distract us from the acceptance of how things are. It dislodges us from being with ourselves, returning to ourselves again and again. From staying put.

But I have come to see that to 'wait' in this pure and beautiful form, really means to silence the voices that tell me to move, prod and make happen. It means not to service the restless, impetuous story telling imp that lives inside of me. There is no steering wheel in this way of waiting. Instead there is a challenge to let go of the controls, to practice true patience and to live life as it is now.

Today, last week, this weekend I find myself here, staying put, not just in the physical or geographical sense, but aspiring to do so within my restless, moving being. It is a challenge from minute to minute, and some minutes are better than others.

I aspire to make no move towards this thing that I want. I try and let things be, let the universe, or whatever, time, space…do it's thing, beyond my input. The job right now is to let go, to unhitch the knots of wanting that have wound themselves around me. It is to return, again and again, to myself.