Being single is kind of awesome. And not in the way that popular media or society might define 'being single' as being someone who is able to swim in the dating pool. The search for a partner is a thing that we seem to expect people to do when not in a relationship. This suggests that to be without a partner is to have a lack, and a need for striving instead of being. Admittedly I might be missing something here, as I have certainly not always been able to relate to the fear people experience as a result of being alone. Part of this is my make-up and part of it has been my social environment. But I think we are missing out on something in our constant quest for partnership. I am not saying that it's bad to want to date someone, not at all. Just that it's not weird not to. In fact, it could be an invitation to become more conscious of my own triggers and internal landscape. It is an invitation to return to yourself.
This all comes on the heels of a recent revelation. Having been encouraged by a couple of friends, I signed myself up on an online dating site. What the hell, I thought. But I guess what I remembered is that I am not a 'what the hell' kind of person. I went through the motions though. I wrote a rather blasé profile and exchanged a few messages. I even met a guy and went for coffee and a walk. But after a few weeks I took myself off the site for a number of reasons that are not altogether made of reason and more made of intuition. The experience has made me reflect on our desperate aversion to time spent alone, as well as the fears and insecurities I have that arise in the face of what I believe is expected of me.
I actually know a great number of people, male and female, many of whom I deeply admire and respect, who have done the online dating thing. It works for them. But for me the experience brought on an intense and almost overwhelming resistance. Rising like a tsunami. There is something, probably many things in that for me to reflect on that that I will not go into here, but I knew 'getting out there' was not the way forward for me.
Last year I started a relationship with someone. When it began I was pretty fresh out of a long term partnership and not looking to be in another one. I was enjoying my time and space, my kitchen clean or dirty by my own hands. But what emerged was something incredible, beautiful, magical and really really joyful. And for a couple of months we were swept up in the swing of something deeply connected, synergistic, and fun. It was not without it's complications, which ultimately led to the loss of this person in my life, but he was, if ever anyone ever has been, a 'fit'. Now, 10 months later, having just entered and quickly exited the 'dating' scene I have some observations on the matter of being single.
Here it is, in no specific order...
1) Connection:
Societal wisdom dictates that it helps to 'get back in the dating pool' in order to get over it or move on. The point of this (I think) is to drive the wedge of some other person between you and the last experience. But in my case I had this feeling that not only was the wedge impossible at this time, it was also only serving to make me feel worse. It made me feel more disconnected rather than more connected.
The real wedge that I needed was myself, the becoming of all the feelings and gifts that arose with that other person. To recognize that these came as a result of the coming together of kindred souls, but emerged from within. They are and always have been part of me. Realizing that there is no 'other', and there is no loss. Connection is always there, whether or not we are willing or able to truly feel it. It arrived in order to remind me of that. And to teach me what is possible, and how high the bar really is. I should be rising to that and meeting myself there, not trying to fill a hole.
Very often we feel that when the object of that love disappears for whatever reason, good or bad, so does the flow of love and connection. We are plunged into all the stories of loss and abandonment that our busy little minds can dredge up. In my case, regardless of the actual story and circumstance, I battle the persistent belief that I am not enough. Although when I shut my ears to that external noise, and tune in to what lies beneath and all around, I am reminded that this is not the case. More so it is the opposite. And even if I am able to tune into this quiet truth for moments in a week, it is enough. This is as clear to me as anything can be.
I also remembered what it is that I really want. My heart's desire. Not a picket fence, or a friday night date, or the pride of knowing that someone I think is awesome and wonderful feels the same (although all those things are lovely and good). I want connection, depth, truth. And that comes on wings, and is not on call, and will surprise me, as it comes in many different forms.
2) Scarcity;
We live in a culture that tells us, beats us over the head, with the idea that men (or women), the good ones, are rare. It reeks of competition and fear. We are told from every angle...and we believe... that it is hard to find anyone, not to mention 'the one'. I notice how this idea, this feeling, rises up in me. Inadequacy plagues me in the wake of heartbreak. But really that is bunk and it's not because there are hordes of beautiful men out there jonesing to date me. It is bunk because it is a construct and a numbers game. Love and connection are not about statistics. Despite what the media (or your mother, or your friends, or anyone else) tell you. It is about connection, which happens organically, naturally and emerges in the best ways when we are engaged in living our truth and are being most fully ourselves. A recognition of the transience of things, and an ability to notice even the small things in life.
Scarcity begets scarcity. Abundance begets abundance. And a knowing that 'this too shall pass' and one day, 5 minutes or 5 years down the road, I will find myself noticing that whatever wonderings I had that I would ever meet anyone again have evaporated, because that is a ridiculous and absurd thought. Life is fluid and is constantly shifting, it is not static. Whatever the mind is telling you to believe right now is a story. Scarcity is an illusion. Useful only to those who would like to create demand based in fear. True connection lies outside of this construct.
3) Attachment:
I seek connection, but work not to attach to the form it takes. It is a gift in any form. Friendship is as important as romantic love, in fact generally trumps it in the end and in the best cases is the foundation for it. Above all he was and is my friend, my partner in mischief and laughter, someone I respect and admire and care deeply about. Regardless of the earthly form it currently takes, this channel has been opened. I aspire to relinquish myself to this flow and care less about the material shape of things.
This is a difficult line to walk and maintain, but it is where truth resides.
4) The "10 mistakes men/women make in relationships" myth. You know this, you've probably read a few of these articles and blogs that recite fear-mongering, blamey and monstrously dehumanizing rhetoric directed at the hordes of single people out there in the world. These paradigms are flung towards those who seek an external answer to 'what did I do wrong'. It's what makes many people cling to bad relationships and abhor periods of alone time. Maniacally dating to avoid the emptiness that is part of being human. Most of the things on these lists revolve around a central theme - don't be a normal human being who experiences feelings and periods of loneliness, sadness or neediness. Certainly don't ask for what you need, or express yourself with an open heart (heaven forbid you tell someone you care about them when it's the truth - you might scare them away!). It is unethical fear based bullshit and it grasps at us with it's clammy paws like Gollum with a fish.
The real trick is to steep yourself in being human and having feelings and occasionally saying or doing the 'wrong' things. If someone runs away because you did then it may be hard and these feelings will arise again, but ultimately you have been called to move deeper into yourself. Learn to be the living art that you are. Love the fact that you spent yourself, and did not lock it in the vault to turn to dust.
