Regret

Brace yourself. This may be a dark one. But I hope the point is that something of great value can be found in the darkness.

I have rarely been one to experience regret, although there have been a few times. Usually caused by a sudden revelation that I have made an error in judgment, or followed the lure of impulse just a little too far. Mainly it has had to do with behaving with less compassion or wisdom than I would like to think I possess. A dawning understanding that I am not so wise or compassionate after all.

The thing about regret is that it's rare that you can 'undo' the mistakes that put you there. What's done is done, and though we are rarely alone in it, I carry a heavy weight at this time in feeling that I have not acted in a way that would have led to greater healing and a more beautiful resolution.  To commit to the (sometimes) hard road as a gateway to real ease. I imagine now in this light that to remain seated at the table, or at least return to it, can lead to a different and more powerful place than departures can ever go.

I circumvented a possibility that will now never come to pass. I unconsciously followed my wiring down a practiced path, feeling like I had to defend myself at every turn. Keep myself safe. And now, whatever insight I have had is little more than a moment too late. And moments can be etched into lifetimes like tombstones.

I am haunted by this sense that such a stunning opportunity was lost. I only see now that the invitation was to transcend the rut I have been creating in this soil for years.
There are reasons...I was not ready, I was protecting myself from what had come before, I was clinging to a belief in a fairy tale of my own making, but they all add up to the same thing. I was afraid. I could not bring myself to simply listen and silence my own ego and identity enough to realize the possibility of what was being offered to me.

These past few weeks I have been in the throes of a remorse so overpowering that it has served to throw me completely off my line. I have been grieving this thing that I abandoned in needing more time, space, and reflection. My old bedfellows. It has been a slow dawning, but the light has now hit me full force. The realization that in life and love it does in the end come down to choice. Knowing now that the lightning bolts of fate come in multiple forms, not just the ones most recognizable.
The choice is to get over myself and bow down to the grace of relinquishing the parts of me that keep me from seeing down to a deeper truth. There is a wisdom that is shared rather than singular.

I know this path is leading somewhere, but what I can see now is that I have been living an erroneous life. I know that the heaviness will pass, but I hope to carry the crux of this lesson with me on the next leg of this journey. It has been a costly one, and a door has closed behind me.

Although perhaps it was never mine to walk through. This, as many things do, remains unclear to me.