Wanting

"Your path is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you've built against it." ~ Rumi

Over this winter, I have been amazed at the things that have sprung up around me. Many unexpected invitations have arrived at my doorstep for which I have been most grateful. Friends and friendships of all kinds have shown up, often unbidden but so very welcome. Even my young dog Kimik has shown up as a kinder and even more gentle and empathic spirit than I was previously aware of. He's even better behaved, his originally generous 'orbit' on walks has become increasingly smaller, he returns to me more often to check in, despite the squirrels. Of late I have been deeply humbled by the love that surrounds me. 

I have been sitting with this idea of wanting. There are things in life that I do 'want', badly, sometimes urgently, sometimes calmly and patiently, but I this morning I awoke to the meaning of that word and a better understanding. There is a turn of phrase we use as English speakers:  to "want for" something denotes a state of lack and separation from what is desired. If I want something it suggests that I don't or can't have it now. It is to desire something that is not currently in my possession. Material items, the love, action or acceptance of another person, more time, more space, less busyness. But this wanting can act as a barrier to love, disallowing me to actually perceive and receive all the things that are here now. 

"It is easy to want and long for the thing that you cannot have, and perhaps easier still to reject the things that offer themselves up to you freely." I wrote these words a few days ago and as I sink into things as they are now, I am generating a deeper understanding of what they mean and have meant in my life. I have, over the past several years found myself yearning for things that were out of my reach. As I did so I wrote, I ruminated, gave up, tried again. I created much beauty from a whole lot of pain, and I am grateful to myself for that. Sometimes I cultivated stillness but at times was more attuned to the call of impulsive angst. I protected a feeling I was carrying in my heart like a wolf mother. Blinded to the very real and present love that was actually showing up. All the time feeling denied by something that was not present. Unable to receive either. In short I was deeply flawed, as humans are. I broke myself repeatedly against an unrelenting shore while showing up in my life as an impervious headland. 

I wrote a while ago about regret - this has been a critical lesson for me, and lingers still as a sense of loss and wanting. I can only strive to be kind to myself and allow this to pass. And I have a path forward. We often think in terms of giving as the ultimate expression of love - giving love, gifts, attention, time, whatever, and it is truly a beautiful thing. That is part of my path - to truly give when I can, with an open heart. But the other piece that we have a harder time with is the receiving, without guilt or immediate reciprocation. Sometimes the greatest expression of love is to simply pause and be grateful for all that comes, including the people that are not showing up in exactly the way we want or hope they would. To see that actually, however they are showing up in that moment is perfect, and always changing anyway. My task is again to 'stay put' to notice what comes my way, just as it is, and receive as fully as I can. Both the things that may be hard and uncover resistance in me, as well as the things that are beautiful and light. To receive and hold them in an open palm, so they are free to go if and when they need to. I need to learn that all the things I could ever want are already here, in whatever moment I find myself in.

Now that is a practice. To want what is here.