Forgetting

I am realizing these days that my life has been a long process of forgetting and remembering all the wisdom I have ever had. I forget it, then life creeps up and gives me a sharp reminder in some form. Then I remember again. Writing things down, or at least some things, has given me a better way to track what I already knew, months or years before I learned it yet again. It keeps me honest with myself. Reminds me that in fact I have had my head screwed on pretty damn well from the get go. No need for self-flagellation.

My operating system has not been down or corrupt, as I thought recently, it was bang on, operating on all cylinders and guiding me home to myself once again. All of it, including the gaps and and confusion and missing pieces and things that have seem like mistakes have all been exactly....right and good. The self doubt and fretting over actions taken and not taken have also been just the right thing, all in the right time. Even the ugly bits, the painful and seemingly tragic twists in the road have been something to be deeply grateful for, showing me my humanity and the humanity of the people in both the inner circle and the periphery of my life. It is teaching me to loosen my grip on the controls yet again, to release the need for a specific outcome.

This is true courage - all of it. Not just the part about remembering, but the forgetting too. Courage is as much about the holding on as it is about the letting go. It is about recovering my essential good nature, my ability to weather storms and be authentically and painfully human. Taking way too much responsibility for other people's feelings, and taking none at all have all been part of me getting it right. The learning curve that I am inhabiting right now, is bang on. Do not mistake this for arrogance, because it is etched with the humility that is inherent in not knowing what next, of understanding that writing it down does not fix anything into permanence, and of seeing that with each assertion I am always opening the door to be proven wrong. In some ways perhaps I hope for some mistake in perception as there is always some new revelation in this unwinding spiral. Courage is being willing to risk all of this, to get it wrong all over again just for another chance to live. Even my darkest moments are laced with sunlight.

This is a long game, full of imperfections and second chances, and constant change. The only thing I know for sure is that there is no such thing as certainty or security for the living.