Second Life

I've been thinking recently how great it would be if I had two lives. Not so much one after the other so much as one that paralleled this one. You see it seems that I am constantly faced with choices, too many things that I want to say yes to and only one life worth of time and energy to do all of them. It is a privileged position to be in for sure, but it makes me wonder what fuels this desire for a second life.

Part of it, to be completely honest, is about FOMO. Fear of Missing Out is one of the banes of my existence. It is a problem. Just in the past month I can probably list about 6 events, trips or gatherings that I have not been able to go to because I was doing something else. Each time I say no to something that conflicts with something else on my schedule I feel like I am missing out on an opportunity to show up and do something cool. I am also quietly haunted by a sense that my absence will precipitate some loss - as if by not showing up I will somehow be stricken from the list of invitees or worse, forgotten entirely. Not missed. That terrifies me, and I am very aware of how narcissistic that might be. I need to feel like I belong, and am wanted at the party.  The feeling  of exclusion is a trap for me. It may not be pretty, but it's true.

Another piece of this second life business is about energy. I find these days that life is an intricate dance between taking action and engaging in experiences and taking refuge in the pause. Exertion, either physical, geographical, emotional or spiritual must be balanced with restfulness. There is refuelling that needs to be done, and if we ignore that need we tend to trammel ourselves in an overcommitted slurry of doing and striving. It's not that I don't want to stop and rest, it's the opposite -  I love resting, but sometimes is feels like resting comes at a cost. And I want to experience all of it - the oasis and the adventure, the party and the sleepy mornings over coffee with nowhere to be.

I think about this in bigger terms as well. I am aware that there have been times in my life where I have feared making a choice. I have hesitated, or tried to hold the inevitable rush of passing time at bay, tried to hold the people, or my idea of them in stasis around me until I have had the time to gather my wits and make the 'right' choice or action. But this is impossible, and in many cases, once we have walked by a fork in the trail, even if we have willfully paused only a few steps beyond the juncture there is no going back. Sometimes the trail has been erased, by circumstance or the movement of others, or simply by the same magic that made it appear in the first place. At other times the landscape has changed entirely in the space of our hesitation and to make our way back to that path is too arduous or thick with brambles to undertake without completely losing ourselves along the way. Sometimes what feels only a breath away is really long gone. This is a lesson worth remembering.

This summer I have made choices. I am blessed to have the luxury of a generous share of time, a lack of stress or material need and the gift of opportunity. And this is what I will try to sit with, as I struggle with the privilege of wanting.  I will trust that the choices I am making are setting me on the right path

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